Summer is here and that means everyone is thinking about their ideal summer body.
So what's yours?
Take this quiz to find out.
1. It's time to hit the gym and get that bod in gear. What day is it?
(a) Butt day
(b) Beef day
(c) Leg day
(d) Brand New Day
2. Ding, dong, dang! You're in the middle of your morning skincare routine when the doorbell rings. Describe your look when you answer it.
(a) Slathered in creams
(b) Stewing in your own juices
(d) Sexy Phil Collins
3. If you were a summer 2018 blockbuster, you'd be:
(a) All My Friends Are Ants 2: One of Them Is a Wasp
(b) Incredible Devil Baby vs Inadequate Dad
(c) A Dinosaur Bit My Leg! Again
4. What's your dream vacation?
(a) Who cares, as long as your leisure is subsidized by an invisible working class in an impoverished foreign country
(b) A good ol' cookout
(c) Anywhere with abundant legroom
(d) Front row seats for the Sting/Shaggy 44/876 tour. Pitchfork calls it "professional, good-natured, and helplessly [...]cool." Tickets on sale now!
5. Your favourite summer jam is up next on Spotify. What is it?
(a) Len, Steal My Sunshine
(b) [ASMR] One Hour of Soothing Grill Sounds - Sizzling Meat
(c) ZZ Top, Legs
(d) The rich and varied discography of iconic English musician Sting, edited into one extremely long track
6. Picture yourself relaxing on the beach. The sun is hot but there's a cool breeze off the water. You lift an icy bottle to your lips. What's in it?
(b) HP Sauce
(d) A message
7. If you had to be trapped on a desert island with just one member of the Police, who would it be?
(a) Stewart Copeland
(b) Andy Summers
(c) Sergeant Carl Winslow
8. Which feature is your mom always complimenting you about?
(a) Your totally unremarkable bodily proportions
(b) Your doneness
(c) Your one enormous leg
(d) Your exceptional artistic and philanthropic legacy
OK, all done? Now tally up your answers.
Mostly (a): You're floppy, flabby and fabulous -- and you don't care who knows it! Your ideal summer body is regular human.
Mostly (b): Wow, didn't see this coming! Your ideal summer body is plump, juicy steak. Just look at you: perfectly charred, beautifully marbled, cooked to perfection. Delicious.
Mostly (c): Very unfortunate. Your ideal summer body is regular human, but one of your legs is enormous. You better get that checked out.
Mostly (d): Congratulations! Your ideal summer body is legendary rock and roll frontman Sting.
It's a tie: Your indecision on this quiz no doubt mirrors the clumsy uncertainty with which you stumbled through life, up to and including the catastrophic but ultimately forgettable moment of your demise. You are an incorporeal phantom with no ideal summer body. Nice try!