9 Tips for Spring Cleaning Success

Our long-time comedy writer, John Murray Lewis, shares his 9 tips for spring cleaning success.

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Inspired by Marie Kondo's blockbuster Netflix series Cleaning Up After Americans, we hit the streets of Mississauga to ask: "How do you spark joy for a successful Spring cleaning?"

“You've got to have a plan. Simple as that. Make a checklist. For me, problem numero uno always ends up being: what do I do with all these teeth? Number two, where do all the teeth keep coming from? I never get to number two." - Uncle Lou, Tooth Reseller

"Don't forget your light bulbs! I replace all of them just to be safe, but mostly I do it so I can smash the old ones all over my neighbour Craig's driveway. I can't stop myself. Honestly, I need help. Actually, no, it's Craig who needs help. In the form of pieces of light bulbs all over his driveway." - Shivani Grewal, Neurosurgeon

"On the morning of the vernal equinox, I open every window of my house -- even the obscured portal that leads to Shur-Ga-Voth, source of all earthly misfortune. I'm sorry, but it's the only way to get the smell of cats out of the place." - Zortana the Cursed, Sorceress

"A successful Spring cleaning couldn't be easier. It's a two step process. First, burn down your house and all your belongings. Second, collect the insurance money, change your name, and start again in a new city." - Betty-Ann Lavoie, allegedly

"Ah, the ritual of Spring. The snow melts, the ground thaws, and our manifold mounds of steaming excrement emerge from their frozen slumber. Stoop and scoop, humans! Bow-wow before us, for we are your gods! I mean dogs." - Dogs

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"A little elbow grease is all it takes to get my springs bouncing like new. My secret? Coconut oil. Wait... didn't you do this joke last year?" - Omar Silwadi, long-time Modern Mississauga reader

"Spring cleaning? Oh, how quaint! With my fabulous wealth, I have no need for 'Spring cleaning.' In April I simply thank my house for its service and buy a new one. Tidying up is for dopes." - Marie Kondo

"Nothing, really. I'm a tree. Thanks for asking." - Dan, a tree

"Listen, folks, if you were expecting some topical quip about 'cleaning out the lefty elites' or 'cleaning out the coffers of Ontario for my own personal gain,' you've got the wrong guy. I'm just the guy who collects the carts in the No Frills parking lot." - Provincial politician, possibly disguised as the guy who collects the carts in the No Frills parking lot