Modern Cookery: Chad's Savoury Christmas Loaf


What does the Holiday Season mean to you?
For me, the Holidays are synonymous with two things: the birth of our Lord and Saviour (Finnish keyboard player Tuomas Holopainen) and my Nana's Savoury Christmas Loaf.
Ah, the smell of peppermint and boiled ham wafting through the house... The sonorous notes of the loaf-thumping dirge echoing through the neighbourhood at the crack of dawn...That first succulent bite fresh from the oven. 

Isn't it amazing how memories of food are always the strongest and sweetest?
Ever since the first Christmas over 5000 years ago, people have been enjoying loaves. For many families, it's a tradition eclipsed only by the giving of gifts and the hanging of mistletoe on the ear of the least-favourite child.

Hey, hey! What are you doing? Why would you skip over all this totally engrossing context and personal reflection? What's that? You're just here for the... recipe? Oh, you mean the ingredients, step-by-step instructions, and helpful photographs? 
Ha, good one! As if anyone could enjoy this food-themed vanity content without a long-winded and self-indulgent preamble.

OK, where was I? Oh, that's right. Christmas morning, 1998. The last time Nana ever made her mouth-watering loaf. Maybe it was the cataracts, maybe it was the hazardous amount of mace she used in everything she cooked, but her eyes were never the same after that. Since then I've tried countless Christmas loaves, but nothing ever matched Nana's.

Until now.

Word of advice: when a wandering Romanian minstrel and his uncanny dog Chad offer to teach you their Savoury Christmas Loaf recipe from beneath a park bench in the middle of the night, you drop to your hands and knees and GET. BENEATH. THAT. BENCH. 
The recipe is so simple, so easy, so timeless... I can't believe it took me so long to find it! It's a little spicy, a little sweet; chunky in all the right places, unnaturally smooth everywhere else.
Can I come right out and say it? This Christmas Loaf has CHANGED MY LIFE and I GUARANTEE it will change yours too.

And all it takes is 26 artisanal ingredients sourced from specialty butcher shops, vegan grocers, and fermented herring mercantiles. 
It's hearty, filling, decadent, delicious... and packs more than 8 times a human being's daily recommended protein intake! You'll love how it sticks to your belly and colon for weeks.
So let me ask you just one question: Are you ready to bring the Happy back to the Holidays?
Let's get to it!

...Oops. Out of space. Well, at least we covered the important stuff!