Planning on having a child in 2019?
Sounds like you're in need of some friendly, unsolicited advice.
Ask any parent and they'll tell you: when it comes to kids, choosing a name's the hardest part. That's why I’m here to help.
I’ve crunched the numbers, mapped the patterns, and forecasted your onomastic horoscope for the coming year.
So, without further ado... presenting the 16 hottest baby names of 2019!
Adirondack: Invoke the spirit of the backcountry with this traditional name from our surly neighbour to the south, New York.
Nugmeister: Kids these days gotta have those nugs. Why not make it official?
Yancy: This all-time classic is due for a huge comeback in 2019.
Teagan: An ancient Irish girl's name, it got its start when a Canadian diplomat misspelled "Ronald Reagan" in 1987.
Hazel: Celebrate Mississauga's famous "Hurricane Hazel," which in 1954 slaughtered at least 400 people in Haiti before killing almost 200 more in Canada and the US.
Iridescence: Very hip name for a few years in the early 2000s. I think they did "Bring Me to Life"?
Nimberly: Fashionable portmanteau of "nimble" (a top-tier physical characteristic) and "Kimberly," the English language's most uncomfortably unisex name.
Globster: Let's get real for a second. Some babies are perfectly photogenic, and some babies look like wrinkly little lumps of moistened clay. For the latter, there's "Globster."
Bonnaroo: As a tribute to our sitting mayor, our favourite Australian marsupial (Roobert the koala), and Tennessee's premier music and arts festival, this name covers every conceivable base.
Ute: It's a name that sounds like a mountain crossed with a trucker hat. What more could you ask for? UTE.
Tyrannosaurus Rick: This 2019, dinosaurs are in -- but were they ever really out? (Ed. note: yes, for like 65 million years.)
Cool Eric(a): A subtle way to distinguish your kid from all the normie Eric(a)s.
Rattlesnake: Snake, rattle and roll, baby. Give your son or daughter a leg up with a name that screams "Howdy, pardner!"
Antichris: Trendy, voguey, just a little bit edgy. With the end times so obviously upon us, the only world the children of 2019 will ever know is one of fire, brimstone and suffering. Might as well sound the part!
I, Robot: Cool name. Nice reference.
Gary: Boy or girl, a kid named Gary is going places -- and fast!