The only top 10 back to school essentials list you need

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And so another summer comes to a close, and the hearts of children everywhere fill up with visions of the coming school year. New subjects, new friends, the faint odour of years-old peanut butter... vivid memories that will last a lifetime, sustaining the youth of today even as they struggle to find meaningful careers in a labour market monopolized by robots and capitalist warlocks. 

I still fondly recall my years as a student in the mountain lodges of Northern Manitoba, days and nights spent learning about the wilderness and my own changing body. But don't worry! I'm not here to tell you how, back in my day, we needed to walk uphill to school both ways, even though we did, due to the extremely unusual tectonic activity in Manitoba in the 1990s.

No, I'm here to hook you up with the top 10 hottest, most essential must-have accessories that will take you from F to A+ in 2017-2018!

1. SHOES

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Don't even bother showing up if you don't have the freshest set of hip-hop floppies. Think you can get by in your tube socks? That's how you get called "Stinkfoot," Stinkfoot. (I speak from experience; to this day I can't even bring myself to look at a sock without blacking out.)

2. A SACK

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Where else are you going to carry your shoes? (What, you weren't going to ruin them by putting them on your feet, were you?) Burlap's hard to beat, but if you're strapped for cash or if a bear ate your primary sack, try layering plastic bags for next-level carrying capacity on the cheap.

3. ROPE

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A good length of rope is endlessly useful. Nylon is great, but I recommend hemp for superior all-natural tensile strength. A sturdy rope will see you through at least three years of Phys Ed, World Literature, and Hog Tying.

4. POPULARITY

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Everyone knows that popularity is the de facto currency of the schoolyard market. Raise your stock by offering your classmates complementary bagels, remarking on the pleasing texture of their follicles, or spraying an animal pheromone in your homeroom. 

5. BEAR CREAM

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If there's one thing I remember about school, it's the empty sucking feeling as all the curiosity and joy was expunged from my mind by an unrelenting series of standardized tests. But I also vaguely remember bears; they would certainly explain the horrifying scars across my torso. In any event, better safe than sorry. Don't forget your bear-repellent cream!

6. JERKY

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Doctors can't stop extolling the benefits of salty, dried-up meat. What else can fuel a do-or-die cram sesh? (FYI: It's Board policy in Mississauga to remove your hands if you're caught snacking in class; if it happens to you, find a way to pin it on the strange kid with the good hair who plays all the sports. What a weirdo.)

7. PERSONAL ELECTRONIC DEVICE

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We didn't have the internet or running water back in the 1990s, but that doesn't mean I'm still living in the "age of the Dinosaurs" (5000 BC - 1996 AD, RIP). I know you kids today love to stay connected. So keep that Tamagotchi happy!

8. SOCIAL MEDIA

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From InstaGreg to SnapChart, I'm told that social media is the media to beat in 2017. And I always believe what I'm told, like that social media can be an effective tool for studying! Can't solve for x? I bet someone on FarceBook can!

9. POGS

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The original fidget spinners. What could be more satisfying than slamming down a fat metal disc onto a tall stack of bottle cap inserts? Give it a try and you'll understand how POGs got us through those long, cold Manitoba nights, alone with our warm, musky bodies, the wolves howling just outside the door...

10. THOSE GLASSES THAT HAVE EYEBALLS PAINTED ON THE LENSES

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Some tricks just never get old. "Hey, is that dude in the glasses napping?" "No way! Can't you see he's wide awake?!" Classic.

So, there you have it: ten essential accessories that are guaranteed to make you a winner. For now, at least. Just don't go expecting a reliable job with a livable wage once you graduate!